The starting

To think of it, the starting was rather unceremonious. I was going to a different city for some official work. In the airport I met RD. He was also going on the same assignment, to the same city.

Our project started. It was different, difficult at times, taxing, quite engaging. I began to enjoy it slowly. The bad timings, the strict discipline, the unknown language, the local food, the cozy place I was staying in – I absorbed it all like a sponge. And after a week maybe, I stopped missing home. I stopped feeling awkward in a bunch of people all speaking different languages. I felt this is my place.

The dates started casually. Two like minds in an unknown city will obviously flock together, be it for movies or food or weekends. And then the conversation. That look in his eyes. The hunger coursing through. The slow forgetting of where I came from, what I was, what will people say. It occurred naturally. It was as if a drama was unfolding in front of me, and I was just a spectator who had no control over the events. On the beautiful backdrop of mother nature, the love flourished (I can use this word so casually because I have crossed some time since then. I was in denial mostly).

Slowly the outside world faded out. There was only these two living beings in the world. Each day we would do a countdown to see how much time we have left. It was a bubble in which we were living. Both were acutely aware of what was going to happen; it just made us more desperate.

One month passed like a moment….and the time came.

If you were here

Yesterday was a particular bad day in office. We slogged like anything, and at the end of the day the big boss says, “You are doing it wrong…. I adviced you people to do it a different way. ” And so went the endless debates and stats and warnings blah blah blah.

When I came back to my flat, I was mentally exhausted. I know this is my decision and all….and now I can’t escape. But still then I was feeling low. So decided to go for PK. Now there’s a movie hall which should near my home as per Google maps. So aided with GPS, I went there, The online reviews for the hall was too bad. But I found it alright. Ticket prices was low, the crowd was friendly, and the movie was quite absorbing. Had a good time.

If I were in Kolkata, I could not even dream of going to a movie alone. Either R or friends….they are always there. We would go to a movie, pass comments during watching, have some snacks in the interval time, and return back home discussing it. I missed all of these. You gain some, you lose some.

How I see it

Was there any reason for the split? Truthfully, no. We were still very much comfortable with each other, loved spending time, were movie buffs, and in every way a compatible couple. It was my wish to say the truth. He just supported me in every step. And it was whimsical, expensive, bad. Now when I look back and see what I have done, I feel ashamed. If anybody treated me inthat way, I would never ever see that person’s face again. I abused and exploited the relationship in the worst way possible. Still….it goes on.

Is this love? This longing, guilty feeling, this tug, what is it called? I never felt I was a emotional person. But now…I have to admit, I’ve never seen a more whimsical or weird being. What I did, why, I don’t know. And sadly, the two people who were connected to me both suffered genuinely. However much apologies I make, it will fall short.

Now, it comes again, the thing I hate the most. A decision that will again change my life. And it is the proverbial last straw. What I make of it will decide how the rest of my life will go. While I cherish the certainty and comfort and safety, I also long for the wild mystery and call of the unknown. I know this time whichever way I chose, I have to burn the bridges and go. No second (erm…third…fourth) chance.