If you were here

Yesterday was a particular bad day in office. We slogged like anything, and at the end of the day the big boss says, “You are doing it wrong…. I adviced you people to do it a different way. ” And so went the endless debates and stats and warnings blah blah blah.

When I came back to my flat, I was mentally exhausted. I know this is my decision and all….and now I can’t escape. But still then I was feeling low. So decided to go for PK. Now there’s a movie hall which should near my home as per Google maps. So aided with GPS, I went there, The online reviews for the hall was too bad. But I found it alright. Ticket prices was low, the crowd was friendly, and the movie was quite absorbing. Had a good time.

If I were in Kolkata, I could not even dream of going to a movie alone. Either R or friends….they are always there. We would go to a movie, pass comments during watching, have some snacks in the interval time, and return back home discussing it. I missed all of these. You gain some, you lose some.

Of Vows and Promises

Marriage as a relationship never made any sense to me. I mean, you want to spend your life with some person; but you need a legal and social stamp. Why? If two adult consenting people want to stay together, why do the Government and the court and the neighbours and the distant relatives should have a say in that? And the problems that come with it. Change your surname, change your home and go live in a strange new house, change your dress habits, your food habits, and it goes on.

Before I got married, I was very nervous. I was not at all sure if it’s the right thing I’m doing. And today when I look back, I know it was in a hurry. As a close friend of mine said,” You should have married the same person but 5 years later.” The changes that happened was too much to process. As such there were no issues; but some small things, some resentments, started to grow. I won’t say that these happened because of somebody else. It was all in my mind, I could not accept it when the shopkeeper at my parar Mudir dokan started to call me ‘Boudi’; people expected I will wear Sindur and Loha; whenever I planned some trip with friends, they will ask me,”Bor ke chhere jabi?” Even at my office, my PL (a MCP!!) decided that I can’t go to onsite, because I’m a married woman now.

Hence started the process of my disliking what I am. In my mind, this marriage thing was bigger than the relationship I actually shared with my partner. I was eager to break free of it; to do away with this ‘married’ tag that did not define me. I never wore sindur or loha, was more comfortable wearing westerns, drank a lot, took risks a lot, was a bohemian by heart. The irony is that my partner was fully supportive of me. He always said that the marriage is for outside world only; what we were at heart is still the same. It was not a typical married relationship that we shared. Still, I felt that little thorn every time somebody addressed me as Mrs. ABC.

Now I am in a much clearer state. I know that a sign on a paper has no value; what my neighbours or my relatives say is insignificant; whether I am married or not doesn’t matter if we love each other. These are all man-made bonds to ensure the society goes on. And it’s ridiculous, when a Judge sitting on a high chair, who knows nothing about you or your rellationship, has the power to declare whether you are staying together or not.